Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

WHO DID THIS?

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

❒Single

❒Taken

✔ This claim is disputed!

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant