Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
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What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.