Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
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A short story about romance.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I think this should do it.
