Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
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I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
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Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”![]()
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer