Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
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Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Those are good neighbors.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
so weird how every mom was born today
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.