Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teach your children to beatbox

Phonetics

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

Dietest Coke

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.

Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

HER: I just put the baby down for his nap

ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex

BABY:

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: I was raised in a working-class family…

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”