Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
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Canadian owl: Eh?
Me: Did you bring a poop bag in case the dog poops?
Bf: I brought 2 bags!
Me: Oh, good. I can take a poop then too.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.