Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
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[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
no exceptions
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.