Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

I’m having an out of money experience.

Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!

Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]

We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.