Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
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[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!