Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

I swear some people should be banned from cooking

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

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[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMAO

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

A great tip. #CakeRex

A choir of Spring onions

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

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I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.