Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

A fake ID that makes you younger

[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu

i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.

God:

Giraffe: feels like 72 : )

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.