Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
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The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I have a type: disappointing
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?