Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
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For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
My work here is done
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??