Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
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Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
💀 😭
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.