Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
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Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”