Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
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Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Every work meeting this week
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I have questions??
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
me at the job i begged god for
SONOFA
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”