My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
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Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
This could be us… but you playing
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze