Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
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LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.