Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
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Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.