Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
You Might Also Like
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Thinking about a snail with a limp
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.