Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
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Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.