Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

🖕🏻👽

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.

Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Amazon.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house