Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
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The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.