Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?

[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

Glasses

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*