Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
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Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.