Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

it was love at first sight

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late

Her: I love cats

Me: [trying to impress her] me too

Her: what’s your favourite kind

Me: [panicking] uh…doja

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?