Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
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i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.