Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
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My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.