Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
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Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
This made me chuckle.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts