Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
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I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?