Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
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my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.