Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
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I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
dam girl
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.