Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
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me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.