Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
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Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
This will never not be funny to me.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.