Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
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i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
“i am a sweet baby”
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]