Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
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I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Lucky old June.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.