Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
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you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.