Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
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*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Leaving the Barbers like
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[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
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My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
What about a To-Don’t List?