Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
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Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
Is this the real life?
Is this just