Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
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My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.