Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
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Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Sending in my taxes
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine