Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
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I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box