Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
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Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!