Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dads on road-trips be like

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

Chemical wingman

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

What Bob, you’re interrupting.

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily