Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

Not all heroes wear capes….

Friend without kids: I’m so tired.

Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge

I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.