Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

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The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.


I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.


*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*


Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.


Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish


Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.


My four year old planted 25¢ in the garden and said a money tree is going grow there.

I laughed- but water it at night just in case


You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH


u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same