Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
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we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
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My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
accurate
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father