Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
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“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I love you…
…r dog.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins