Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
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Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
2 years later
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.