Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
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6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH