@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 cards in the world, library, get well, business, gift, and Captain Jean Luc Pi.

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a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:12:”Token_Geezer”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3027621075/6952da524b60c2026e77808954df8b7a_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”325495987982450688″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”53″;s:5:”tweet”;s:38:”The morning after pill, but for tweets”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@kelkulus

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

@krisv_723

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

@lisaxy424

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

@VaguelyFunnyDan

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

@BoomBoomBetty

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

@noog

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

@Grommit56

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

@Parker_Simpson

Hey guys keep up the “Bush did 9/11” tweets I think the pressure is really grinding his gears