Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
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Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.