Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
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I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
They got a point!
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.