Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
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As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.