Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
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Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down