Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy

Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back

Marty: it’s just bread

Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother

Marty: what?

Doc Brown: what, what?

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency

I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.

[listening to twenty one pilots]

ME: ok ok one at a time

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.

Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse