Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
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I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons