Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
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My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
my fav colour is also hitler
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her: