Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

“FRAAANCE!”

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.