Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
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I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF