Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
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Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH