Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
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I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
She was REALLY feeling it.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
The opposite of Iceland is water water
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere