Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head

W

Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free

Also Spotify: we have no concept of time

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

i love meeting boys on tinder

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.

In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.

Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool