Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
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I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
i love modern commerce
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I don’t care if they ban TikTok I still love Ke$ha.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Catering service
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing