@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

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@KeetPotato

[music club]
what should we play today
[hand goes up]
yes joe?
“banjo”
all those who wanna ban joe raise their hand
[everyones hand goes up]

@UnFitz

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

@carlyken

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

@GrantTanaka

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

@markydoodoo

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

@Shock_Monster

I don’t gossip because:

1. It’s not my business.
2. I’m no better than anyone else.
3. And no one tells me any good juicy stuff 🙁

@Thatsit4me

They say misery loves company and I’m like, no I don’t.

@IamEveryDayPpl

My husband has been missing for a week, the police say to prepare for the worst… So I went to the thrift store & got all his clothes back!

@TweetPotato314

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

@Ygrene

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark